Friday, July 6, 2012

Rediscovered Childhood

I finally broke the seal.

My mother saved almost everything from my childhood, including all of my school papers, homework and etchings from my time at Marion T. Morse Elementary School in Lisbon Falls, Maine.  I have never gone through them until today.  Was there goodness to be found? Yup.  Here...take a gander at these gems...

That's right. I got a "Super" and a star! Yeah, no gold stars here.  Small towns in Maine couldn't afford glitz like that.  However, the real jackpot was on the back of this paper...


HOLY DOG SHIT! Look at that action! Obviously, after I flew through my math problems, I decided to express myself creatively.  The red ships are, of course, Colonial Vipers, and they are blowing the hell out of some generic spaceships.  I guess I decided to take the Millennium Falcon and add my own, unique twist to in by attaching another arm with a cockpit.  One of the Vipers took a critical hit...oh well.  I never liked Rick Springfield anyway.  At the top of the page is the Galactica herself.  It looks like a Bejeweled piece on skis.  In the end, the Vipers smoked the baddies 3-1. 
I remember having my Kindergarten teacher talk to my mother because I always colored people yellow.  She thought I had some kind of vision problem or was just stupid.  Well, here is my redemption.  I made them yellow because the fucking box of Crayolas that the teacher gave out to each student did not contain a flesh colored crayon.  In my 6 year old mind, yellow was the best alternative.  I can understand why I was confusing everyone with every picture I colored looking like an extra from a Godzilla movie.

The Letter People! God, I loved them! Every week in Kindergarten our teacher would have one of those huge, inflatable Letter People in the closet where some lucky student would get to open the closet door and introduce him or her to the rest of the class.  I was never picked.  Sigh.  I found this in the piles of papers.  I don't remember it at all.  Here we have Mr. W at his "Winking School". Sounds bad right from the start.  I'm guessing he is the teacher due to his mortarboard.  I don't know why he is wearing a bowtie on his balls though.

And here come the students who are going to learn how to wink.  There is a Worm, a duck who has a Wing and a dog who has a tail that Wags.  So he is teaching facial expressions to animals? I still can't stop looking at that bowtie...


Ok...class is in session.  Mr. W is showing everyone how to wink.  Either that or he is telling the class about the stroke that he suffered last Easter after his wife cooked the ham for too long and he blew a fuse.  I guess the worm is the first one to receive instruction.  The duck is checking out his ball bowtie...

The duck and worm nailed it! A+ for the course.  The dog just can't wrap his mind around winking.  Oh oh...I hope Mr. W doesn't loose his temper like he did with his wife and her stroke inducing ham...

And Mr. W snaps! My first thought was he was going to give the dog a spanking, but it looks more like he is tickling the poor thing.  Whatever is going on, the duck and the worm like to watch.

We don't know if the dog learned how to wink since he doesn't have a winking medal around his neck like his voyeuristic buddies.  So we will just call that a 66 % success rate for Mr. W.  No sooner is one class over than another class comes in.  This time he is teaching a witch and a watermelon.  A FUCKING watermelon? With watermelon slices for feet? He is teaching anthropomorphic fruit? I have a feeling the state is going to close down Mr. W's school very soon.

More soon...


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Billy Beer - The Nectar of the Rednecks With Political Connections

This is what I want out of the world today...I want politicians and their families to be brave enough to take that extra step and let everyone know what floats their collective boats.  A senator likes running model trains? A congresswoman enjoys bare knuckle pit fighting? Let them back it up.  Nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing a president's daughter coming out and stating that she enjoys her yearly trip to the running of the bulls in Pamplona.  Everyone is so uptight nowadays...afraid that their actions or behaviors will cost them votes.  So what do they do? They take their hobbies to the dark corners of their lives and hope that nobody will find out.  Of course, they are eventually forced into the daylight and admit that they enjoy hunting bears in the nude or banging their secretary in a Motel 6.  Of course, some of these things have greater ramifications than others.  However, none are more cooler than...


BILLY BEER!  Yes, Billy Carter did indeed like to drink beer.  Did he hide it? Hell no.  Did his then President brother try to bury it?  If he was smart he would have.  Billy Carter did the only thing one can do when something is loved that much - He put his name on it and made it his own.  Can you imagine if this was produced today? The president's brother creates his own beer? People would be out for blood, calling on the president to make a statement condemning his brother's actions.  Promoting drinking and "what about the children" and "my son died in a accident where the other driver was drunk".  What balls good ole Billy had...

Yes, I own three cans of unopened Billy Beer.  And, yes...they are sitting on top of my sandcrawler.  Billy Beer saw the light of day back in 1977 when Billy Carter decided that the world of beer needed a higher end brew.  I know it's a top shelf beer because it says so on the can...

     I had this beer brewed up just for me.  I think it's the best I ever tasted.  And I've tasted a lot.
     I think you'll like it, too.  - Billy Carter

I mean, look at it for Pete's sake...the fucking can says "Billy".  You will never see that again as long as you live.

These are pretty easy to find.  They made millions of these things and they are still floating around.  I think for the next milestone of my life, I'm going to pop one of these little guys open and see what 35 year old swill brewed by a president's hillbilly brother tastes like.  Until then...I'll just put it back on my shelf of goodness like so many others have done...