Saturday, November 22, 2008

Stupid Shit From The Thrift Store...

I used to hit the Goodwill and The Salvation Army stores like a madman back in the day. It was a great way to find cheap clothing and cool swag. You would never know when the McDonald's Grimace Glass from the 70's would show up or a bag of vintage Star Wars figures. Recently, I rediscovered the magic of thrift stores when I took my mother out shopping. She could never resist a bargin, hence her love of the stores.

Nowadays, my main reason for going is to find things like these....



WHEN YOU DON'T WANT THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND THEIR DAMN SPECIAL EDUCATION GETTING THEIR HANDS ON YOUR LITTLE ANGEL.



THE MATCHING SUITS, THE SLICKED BACK HAIR...I'M GUESSING IT HAPPENED DURING THE FIELD TRIP AT BIBLE CAMP.



WHEN I'M NOT SINGING ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD, I RETURN TO MY DAY JOB OF BEING THE MCP OF MY OWN TRON-LIKE WORLD. IT'S MADE OF CARDBOARD AND TAKES UP MOST OF MY MOM'S BASEMENT. I PAINTED MY TEN SPEED WITH GLOW IN THE DARK PAINT...IT'S A RAD LIGHT CYCLE...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Happy Birthday...

...To the Star Wars Holiday Special. Damn...has it been 30 years?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Bye Reg...



"She underlines the fuck scenes for ya? Jesus, if she underlines the fuck scenes for ya, she must worship the ground you walk on".

Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's A Cheap Burn...But I Have To Do It...




Clay Aiken came out to PEOPLE magazine over the week and confirmed that he is indeed gay.

In other Earth-shattering news - Fire is hot, I like coffee, and girls pee sitting down.

Friday, August 8, 2008

No Cheating Allowed.....


Read this gem from the latest report from the Parents Television Council.

"Among the networks overall, references to adultery outnumbered references to marital sex by 2 to 1. The "family hour" _ the first hour of prime-time TV, which draws the most young viewers contained the highest ratio of references to non-married vs. married sex, the study found."

Why the hell is this even an issue? Is it better to have your 5 year old hear a reference to married sex than non-married sex? If all adultery references vanished and all we had were good, wholesome references to married sex, would that make the PTC walk with a renewed stride? Hearing about how Dad cheated on Mom with a high priced call girl in Vegas is worse than hearing Dad brag to his co-workers about his wife and how he "gave it to her good" the other night?

The children of PTC members will grow up knowing that it's all in the context of how you....you know....do it.

Huh..hahah..huh...I said "do it". Said, of course, in that married, male and female, missionary position kind of way...

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Go Green...All of the Cool Kids Are Doing it.....


Bowdoin Collage in Maine has decided, in all of their wisdom, to outlaw cars for all first year students starting in 2009. Yes boys and girls, if you are a freshman in 2009 you will be without a car. This, of course, is all a part of Bowdoin going "green".

What fucking balls they have.

If I'm a first year student and I have a car that I bought and paid for by doing some shitty job throughout high school, I can't have it on campus? A legal possession of mine is outlawed in some half assed attempt to make the public think that your little corner of the world is more civilized than the rest because you have gone "green"?

It's stuff like this that drives me to make my carbon footprint the size of Orson Welles. I'm all for saving the planet, but I'm all against stupidity. That, when coupled with how I cut my nose off to spite my nose....I just want to set a pile of plastic on fire while drinking the tears of polar bears who's home of ice has melted due to global warming.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Andy Dick Mugs For The Camera...

I'm not heavy into the movie star gossip or any of that shit. I don't care who is fat and who has an eating disorder. However.....Tell me that Andy Dick's latest mugshot doesn't scare the shit out of you. I'm thinking either the Joker without makeup and green hair or the villain from the next DIE HARD movie...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Screw MTV...

For years I have said that the best video ever made was Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction's PRIME MOVER...it has spaceships, good girls gone bad, scumbag rock stars, exploding heads and a aura of sleaziness that will make you run for the shower after your first ever viewing. The song is a blatant Judas Priest rip off, but the video is fucking fantastic...



However, this has just came into my life. The band is a Russian outfit called ANJ...and boy do they suck. The music is shite but check out the vid....



A singer who sets a girl's teddy bear on fire with lasers shot from his fucking eyes or the creeping Western influence on Russian culture as shown by raining Twinkies and American blue jeans. My God...I just don't know which one is better...

Monday, July 14, 2008

My Retro Weekend....



On Friday some colleagues and myself made the trip to New Hampshire to visit FUNSPOT at Weirs Beach. Just in case you don't know, the Guinness Book of World Records recently proclaimed FUNSPOT the largest arcade on earth. Yes, within FUNSPOT, lurked the machines that brought both so much joy and pain to me in my childhood. Upon entering the building, the four of us were slacked jawed and I think one of us wet his pants.
After 6 hours of gaming, and getting my ass handed to me by such brutal mistresses as TRON, BURGER TIME, VENTURE and TEMPEST, I tried to regain my vision during the ride home. Thank God I wasn't driving because while I was sitting in the passenger's seat, watching the road up ahead, everything looked like it came straight out of POLE POSITION.

The next day, Kelly and I decided to go to one of the few drive-ins in the state. My memories of drive-ins are limited...the last movie I saw at a drive-in was E.T. back in '82. I must say that it was a wonderful thing to revisit. The double feature of HELLBOY 2 and WANTED filled the hole of new cinematic entertainment...HELLBOY being a great flick and WANTED serving up some cool action sequences. The overall experience of the drive-in is something that is vanishing and I strongly suggest that you hit one up before they are all gone.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

In Case You Missed It...The Love Guru is SHIT!!!

My girlfriend Kelly first mentioned seeing The Love Guru. The idea was to see if it was as bad as everyone had been saying. Now, I could have said "You are out of your fucking mind...no way", right then and there. However, I was swept away with a feeling that I had not experienced since my senior year in high school...that feeling of doing something that you know is just so stupid that you will be talking about it for years to come. The extravagance and luxury of wasting time, money and precious minutes of your life on a venture that was so pointless that you had to laugh about it. The notion that life is forever and you could waste it on whatever you wanted - no matter how frivolous.

Now, after seeing The Love Guru, I tell you this - Never take life for granted. Cherish every moment and make each one count. Never give in to whimsy. Most importantly, Never...I say NEVER pay with either your money or your time, to see The Love Guru.

Going in to the theater, my expectations were so low that I foolishly thought that there was nowhere to go but up. I was wrong. The Love Guru saw where my expectations were and was able to sink down even further. It waved at my expectations as it dove down past them towards a greasy, brown colored pile of mucus that has only been seen by Hell's guardians , souls of child abusers, and Ann Coulter. Yes. The Love Guru is that bad.

I would rather sit through Sgt. Peppers' Lonely Hearts Club Band, playing backwards, while I was wearing beer goggles, than to see The Love Guru again. Myers has crafted a film that is unfunny, uninspired and lacking in every sense of the word. Character development is nil and the comedy is rehashed Austin Powers material. Every joke has a punchline that can be seen coming by a blind, retarded monkey. The only saving grace from this movie was Verne Troyer ....c'mon ...midgets are funny. Especially when they are punching guys in the balls.

I won't say that if you like this movie you are an idiot. However, I will state that if you do enjoy this flick, it says volumes about your shitty personality and how you probably can't wait for amazon.com to deliver your paperback adaptation of Meet the Spartans.


Saturday, June 21, 2008

Dumb Dora is so Dumb...


The Hollywood Reporter reports that Robert Smigel (The genius behind Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and T.V. Funhouse) will be the executive producer for a new Match Game to be aired on TBS. So far, the talent for the panel seems to be top fucking notch. I mean, if I were to do this, the panel they have assembled wouldn't be to far off from who I would want to represent the Match Game "08".

Sarah Silverman
Bob Einstein (Super Dave Osbourne)
Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall)
Rashida Jones (The Office)
Niecy Nash (Reno 911)
Norm MacDonald

Wow. The only person that I have a 1 dimensional opinion of is Rashida Jones, who I know nothing about outside of her role as Karen on THE OFFICE. As for the rest, say what you will about their acting chops or how their last project tanked...that group has the potential to make you piss your pants laughing.

And with Scott Thompson filling the Charles Nelson Reilly role and Sarah Silverman taking over the Brett Somers position? This could be really good...

Here for the full story....