Thursday, August 4, 2011

Stick your Grape Nuts up your...

Where the Hell did my monster cereals go?

A few days ago, while sporting my Count Chocula T-shirt, a teenager told me, "Ya know, they don't make that anymore". 

"Really?" I snorted.  What did this punk one would have the balls to pull the plug on the monsters.

Later that evening I learned the ugly truth. 

General Mills decided to release Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and Boo Berry ONLY during the Halloween season.  For some reason, this made sense to them.

The pleasure and pure joy of knocking back a big bowl of Frankenberry and then sucking down the chemically altered pink milk, will now only be bestowed upon me one month out of the year?  Bullshit.

If Fruit Brute was still in the monsters clique, General Mills wouldn't have touched 'em...because nobody messes with the Brute.

Which brings me to my next problem with the cereal industry at large...where did our prizes go?  I say "our" prizes because that is exactly what they are...OUR.  Don't assume that the prizes were just for children - I'd knock little Billy out of the way for some cool Batman swag at the bottom of a box of Cap'n Crunch.  Some parents got their knickers in a twist because little Johnny wants the box of Sugar Covered Crack Balls with the fluorescent Arthur Ashe figurine inside, and now we all have to suffer?  The complaint is very similar to the one leveled against McDonalds and their Happy Meals - How the toys unfairly lure the children into their restaurants.  The prizes in the cereal were a unfair advertising ploy to get kids to pressure their parents into purchasing the cereal.

You're damn right it was. 

My mother made healthy meals every night.  Sometimes I would rather have eaten what the dog was having, but I powered it down just the same.  When I did get a box of Coco Puffs or Fruit Loops, it was a fucking miracle.  Oh yeah...I pressured her to get it....especially if there was a Star Wars prize inside...that played a huge part in my pressuring process. 

However, my mother was (and still is) a damn good parent.  She had (and has) the ability to say "No".  Which is what all of these whining parents and watchdog groups lack.  If you are a parent and can't handle your kid whining about what cereal they want or how bad they need that really cool Power Ranger with the Kung Fu grip, they please call DHS so they can take them away...don't call Snap, Crackle and Pop and ask if they can remove the My Little Pony stickers from their box of Rice Crispies.

Ok...I'm going to get out the big Tupperware bowl, pour me a 50/50 mix of Honeycomb and Sugar Smacks, douse it with some chocolate milk and watch some Superfriends...

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