Billy Beer - The Nectar of the Rednecks With Political Connections

This is what I want out of the world today...I want politicians and their families to be brave enough to take that extra step and let everyone know what floats their collective boats.  A senator likes running model trains? A congresswoman enjoys bare knuckle pit fighting? Let them back it up.  Nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing a president's daughter coming out and stating that she enjoys her yearly trip to the running of the bulls in Pamplona.  Everyone is so uptight nowadays...afraid that their actions or behaviors will cost them votes.  So what do they do? They take their hobbies to the dark corners of their lives and hope that nobody will find out.  Of course, they are eventually forced into the daylight and admit that they enjoy hunting bears in the nude or banging their secretary in a Motel 6.  Of course, some of these things have greater ramifications than others.  However, none are more cooler than...

BILLY BEER!  Yes, Billy Carter did indeed like to drink beer.  Did he hide it? Hell no.  Did his then President brother try to bury it?  If he was smart he would have.  Billy Carter did the only thing one can do when something is loved that much - He put his name on it and made it his own.  Can you imagine if this was produced today? The president's brother creates his own beer? People would be out for blood, calling on the president to make a statement condemning his brother's actions.  Promoting drinking and "what about the children" and "my son died in a accident where the other driver was drunk".  What balls good ole Billy had...

Yes, I own three cans of unopened Billy Beer.  And, yes...they are sitting on top of my sandcrawler.  Billy Beer saw the light of day back in 1977 when Billy Carter decided that the world of beer needed a higher end brew.  I know it's a top shelf beer because it says so on the can...

     I had this beer brewed up just for me.  I think it's the best I ever tasted.  And I've tasted a lot.
     I think you'll like it, too.  - Billy Carter

I mean, look at it for Pete's sake...the fucking can says "Billy".  You will never see that again as long as you live.

These are pretty easy to find.  They made millions of these things and they are still floating around.  I think for the next milestone of my life, I'm going to pop one of these little guys open and see what 35 year old swill brewed by a president's hillbilly brother tastes like.  Until then...I'll just put it back on my shelf of goodness like so many others have done...

Chasing the Christmas Dragon...

I've got to be honest with you all...I've been chasing the dragon for well over 30 years now. Since the day that I finally understood that Santa Claus totally flew against my newly developing understanding of how the world worked, I've been chasing that peppermint flavored, red and white striped, carol singing, tinsel hanging dragon. 

Let me reminisce and maybe I'll be able to explain it better....

I got some great gifts as a kid.  I remember the Kenner Death Star playset that was assembled under the tree.  I remember the box of said playset had "CRAFTS" stenciled on the side of it and my mother was quick to say that Santa had to deliver a bunch of these things and he marked them all to know where to bring it.  I remember getting a pack of special arms that were interchangeable with the Six Million Dollar Man Doll.  At that point, I didn't have the doll.  After opening the pack of arms, 4 to 5 year old me wondered out loud just what was Santa thinking? I can't use these! Of course, the next gift I opened was the brand new Steve Austin doll that Santa had left me.  I remember getting the Space 1999 Eagle One spaceship in 1976.  I vaguely remember seeing the show as a kid, but I wanted that toy so bad because my cousin Mike had one and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  I remember being happy.

However, that is not why I'm chasing the dragon.  There were some very early Christmas mornings in my house.  One year, I woke up at one in the morning and asked my parents if we could see if Santa had showed up.  My father told me we could in one hour.  I hopped back into my bed and watched my little clock with the illuminated face and glow in the dark hands tick it's way from one to two o'clock in the morning.  At two on the nose, I jumped out of bed and asked my parents the same question.  Their answer was the same...one more hour.  This went on until I finally broke their spirits at 4 in the morning.  They gave the green light and I sprinted downstairs.

And this is my most vivid memory of the Christmases of my youth:

I entered our living room.  The lights were off.  Our real Christmas tree was placed in front of a large picture window.  The streetlight down the road from our house just gave off enough light to make out the silhouette of the tree.  The tinsel didn't glitter, but it caught enough light from the outside source to make it distinguished.  In the semi-darkness of that Christmas morning, I could make out the shapes that were under the tree - Shapes that weren't there before.  I couldn't see sizes or colors of wrapping paper or ribbons....just shapes.  The landscape of our Christmas tree had changed and it was amazing.  It was magical.

That is what I'm chasing - pure wonder and amazement.

That feeling you have as a child, when everything is so huge to young eyes and innocence prevents any jaded, cynical views of your world, that can only be found on Christmas Day. 

I know I'll never catch the dragon, but I'll keep trying.

I'm Thankful For...

....The Marx Brothers, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Coffee, The Star Wars Franchise, Godzilla, Lindsey Buckingham, T.V. Trays, The Ability to Walk, Snoopy, Blu-Rays, Pierogis, The Minnesota Vikings from 1973 to 1978, Comic Books, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Moonsault, Hal Needham, Pinnacle Whipped Vodka, Toilet Paper, MP3's, Charlton Heston as Moses, Smoked Meats, WKRP In Cincinnati, Alan Moore, The Notion That Jim Morrison Is Alive, Lawn Darts and Unbroken High E Strings On My Guitar.

I'm thankful for my friends and family, my amazing wife, and the fact that this might be read by a couple of people.  Thanks and good night...

What The World Needs Now Is....

Gene Gene The Dancing Machine.

It Was A Very Good Year....

My friend Tyson and I saw the Pixies this week...and it was good.

However, as we made our way into the venue, it hit me in the face like a bucket of cold mop water - I'm old.

There were too many differences between where I was, and where I used to be.  Granted, part of it is growing up and having maturity creeping in on my actions (some would say that it's nowhere to be seen in my actions, but trust me...it's there), however my being old factored greatly into what I saw as a closing of a chapter of my life.  Let's compare and contrast the evidence...

On the one hand - The Pixies.  One of the few bands still in existence that I really wanted to see.  November 1st, 2011.  I am 38 years old.

On the other? The Monsters of Rock.  Oxford Plains Speedway. June 25th 1988.  I went to see Metallica who were sandwiched between several crap metal bands.  Van Halen headlined the show.  I am 15 years old.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

THEN - Something was drank and smoked.

NOW - A chicken sandwich was consumed and a really good banana milkshake was downed.

PROTECTION AGAINST THE ELEMENTS

THEN - Outdoor venue.  Rained all day.  I walked around, soaked to the bone, wearing both of my recently bought Metallica t-shirts.  When it got really bad, I sought shelter in the men's room or under the bleachers.  At one point, my friends and I started a fire under the bleachers using a discarded pizza box, just to get warm.

NOW - Inside show.  I brought my coat just in case it got chilly.

OPENING ACT

THEN - Kingdom Come.  They sucked.  We threw rocks at them while they tried to get through their 30 minute set.

NOW - Surfer Blood.  They sucked.  We sat in the back of the hall, discussing their weak points and how they could be better.

LOCATION AT THE SHOW -

THEN - I was down front for all the bands.  People were dancing, moshing, puking and punching.  About 9 hours on my feet.

NOW - Sat down for Surfer Blood...was talked into going down front for The Pixies.  Three songs in, my back started to hurt and my feet started to cramp.  Someone accidentally dumped a small amount of beer down my back.  Eww....

SOUND TOLERANCE -

THEN - The louder the better.  If I could have crawled into the PA and watched the show from there, I would have.

NOW - "Hey Ty? Is the bass too much? It's really making my sternum rumble..."

SHOW'S CONCLUSION -

THEN - Still feeling the rock n' roll.  Don't want to go home but can't stay there.  Would give anything for one more encore.

NOW - During The Pixies second encore, thought that now would be a good time to leave so we could beat the rush and hit the road before all of the concert traffic started.

It's so hard....to say goodbye.....to yesterday.

My Comic Book Wedding Invitation...

I'm getting married in less than two months.  When the thought of a wedding invitation started bouncing around my bride-to-be's head and mine, we both gravitated towards the idea of a comic book.  We've seen other comic invites floating around the web and decided that it could be done.  I hammered out a script and I was introduced to the amazingly talented Eunjoo Bae who did all of the artwork.  Below is the final product.  And, by the way, if you are in need of an artist, please contact her at eunb AT hotmail.com...you won't be disappointed...

In The Name Of The Meathead, The Dingbat And The Little Girl...Amen.

This is the account of Lear and his family.

In the beginning, TILL DEATH US DO PART, a British sitcom, unknowingly begot ALL IN THE FAMILY.  And it was good.  From Archie and Edith did spring a child GLORIA, who became wife to Michael Stivic.  And from this family, great tidings of laughter did come.  From the tribe of Edith did come MAUDE, who displeased Archie greatly.  And from MAUDE did come Florida Evans who traveled to the land of Chicago to find GOOD TIMES.  And from the tribe neighboring the Bunkers, THE JEFFERSONS did mark and chide Archie, until Queens they did leave for a deluxe apartment in the sky.  THE JEFFERSONS begot CHECKING IN with their servant Florence.  And the Lord did smote them, raining low ratings upon the house of CBS.  And Lo, ARCHIE BUNKER'S PLACE was a continuation, and lo, 704 HAUSER was a abomination, the purpose was served and the lineage maintained. In Lear's name, Amen.